Berlin declared the most anti-social capital
BERLIN — In a triumph of cold shoulders and passive-aggressive glares, Berlin has officially been named the most anti-social capital in the world, narrowly beating out Paris and Moscow in what critics are calling “a long-overdue coronation.”
Local officials shrugged off the news—literally—and declared it “a cultural achievement,” emphasizing Berlin’s proud tradition of avoiding eye contact and passive public hostility. “People keep to themselves here,” said city spokesperson. “We believe in personal space, unless of course we’re pushing past you on the U-Bahn stairs like it’s a triathlon qualifier.”
Public Transport, or Performance Art?
A major contributor to Berlin’s anti-social ambiance is its legendary public transport system, renowned for its innovative approach to time: namely, ignoring it. Trains are late due to a rotating cast of reasons including “police operations,” “technical disturbances,” and the classic fan favorite, “signal failure caused by ghosts of Prussian bureaucracy.”
“The bus was delayed due to ‘existential fatigue,’” said one commuter, checking the BVG app. “At least it’s honest now.”
A Culture of Coughs and Casual Collisions
Social researchers note that Berliners express themselves through unique nonverbal cues—such as sneezing directly into your soul, coughing freely in crowded trams, and a firm belief in walking faster than anyone else while refusing to let you pass.
“The pushing isn’t rude,” insisted Berlin resident Annika S. “It’s... assertive locomotion. We’re helping you move forward—physically, not emotionally.”
Customer Service with a Side of Contempt
Berlin's legendary hospitality sector also got an honorable mention in the report. Waiters, baristas, and retail workers are trained extensively in Kalte Ignoranz—the ancient art of making you feel like a burden for existing.
“I once asked for oat milk at a cafe,” said expat Mark J. “The barista made direct eye contact, sighed, and walked away. It was the most intimate moment I’ve had all year.”
A City for the Emotionally Self-Reliant
Despite its surly reputation, Berlin’s defenders argue the city simply respects autonomy—perhaps too much. “Berlin doesn’t care who you are,” says local artist Uwe K. “You could be a celebrity or a confused tourist asking for directions in five languages. The result is the same: silence, followed by a door slowly closing in your face.”
In response to the anti-social rating, the Berlin Senate has pledged to do absolutely nothing. “We don’t see a problem,” said the mayor in a pre-recorded message. “Besides, if people wanted warmth and human connection, they’d move to Bavaria.”
Tourism Board Reacts With Disdain
Berlin’s tourism board has already launched a new campaign titled “Come To Berlin: We Won’t Bother You”, with posters featuring commuters frowning at their phones and a mascot named Grumpy Klaus who hands out maps while muttering about rent prices.
Whether you love the charm of mutual indifference or just enjoy being elbowed while getting sneezed on, one thing’s for sure: Berlin is in a class of its own. A very cold, emotionally unavailable class.