“It’s called anti-Zionism now,” mob said while beating Jewish student

"we're not antisemitic, the student we're beating up just happens to be Jewish," they insisted.

In yet another courageous act of social justice, a group of self-proclaimed “anti-Zionists” proved their commitment to human rights by violently attacking a Jewish student—because nothing says ‘moral superiority’ like beating up someone based on their ethnic and/or religious identity while insisting you have absolutely no issue with their ethnic and/or their religious identity.

The incident, which took place on a university campus known for its “safe spaces” and “zero-tolerance policies on discrimination,” began when the student was overheard expressing a nuanced opinion on the Israel-Palestine conflict. This, of course, was unacceptable.

“He said something about complexity,” one of the attackers explained. “We knew right away he was a Zionist, and as everyone knows, Zionists are the worst people on Earth. Not Jews, though! We love Jews—just not the ones who exist today.”

Anti-Zionism, the Friendly Alternative to Antisemitism!

As the group delivered righteous justice in the form of fists and kicks, they made sure to clarify that their actions were in no way motivated by hatred toward Jews. “This isn’t antisemitism,” one brave activist declared while swinging a metal pipe. “This is about Israel! And sure, he had nothing to do with Israel and was just trying to go to class, but that’s beside the point.”

Another white male protester, adjusting freshly appropriated keffiyeh while texting in a group chat titled “Death to Zionists,” passionately insisted: “We’re anti-Zionists, not antisemites! It’s just a coincidence that every Jewish person we meet is a Zionist who deserves to be harassed, beaten, and silenced.”

A Totally Reasonable Distinction

The beating continued for several minutes, with the attackers thoughtfully reminding bystanders that they were, in fact, on the right side of history.

“Look, it’s not about Jews, okay?” explained one student, adjusting their ironic Che Guevara T-shirt between punches. “We’re just against a state’s policies! And that means every Jewish person in the world must answer for it, be harassed, or learn to denounce Israel at every opportunity. What’s so hard to understand?”

Some campus activists even suggested that the Jewish student had only himself to blame. “If he didn’t want to get beaten up, maybe he should have worn a ‘Free Palestine’ pin, or at least taken the time to publicly renounce Israel before attending class.”

University Officials Respond With Sternly Worded Email

As video of the incident spread online, the university issued a statement condemning “all forms of hate and violence, including those that may or may not involve some unfortunate misunderstandings.”

The administration also assured Jewish students that while their safety couldn’t exactly be guaranteed, they were welcome to report any future beatings to the school’s Bias Reporting System, which would generate an automated email response and possibly a virtual workshop about “Understanding Different Perspectives on Zionism.”

Meanwhile, many students and some faculty took to social media to express their solidarity with the attackers. “Violence is never the answer,” one progressive influencer tweeted, “but in this case, I totally understand where they were coming from.”

Conclusion: It’s Not Hate, It’s Just… A Convenient Coincidence

As the battered student recovers in the hospital, his attackers continue to bask in the moral high ground, confident that their fists of righteousness have made the world a better place.

“We’re not antisemites,” they remind the world. “We just happen to hate every single Jewish person who doesn’t denounce Israel on demand. Totally different thing.”