Justin Baldoni: it’s cool, I’m a feminist

Photo: Flickr/iDominick – CC BY-SA 2.0

In an astonishing yet wholly predictable turn of events, actor and profiled as “ideal male” Justin Baldoni is reassuring fans and critics alike that recent allegations of sexual harassment—stemming from claims of inappropriate comments and unsolicited advances toward Blake Lively on his production sets—should be summarily dismissed. After all, he’s “a feminist and an ally.”

Known best for building a career around gently dismantling toxic masculinity through inspirational social media posts, deeply moving TED Talks, and perfectly groomed facial hair, Baldoni quickly responded to accusations by reminding everyone of his feminist credentials.

Feminism as Armor: A Revolutionary Strategy

“How can I possibly be guilty?” Baldoni asked earnestly, pausing briefly for dramatic effect and checking to make sure his Instagram live stream was still running. “So I hired a firm to personally attack and tarnish a woman at the hands of vile paid trolls? Haven’t you seen my posts about respecting women? Haven’t you watched my TED Talk? Honestly, how could someone who has cried publicly about male privilege ever do something problematic?”

Critics, clearly forgetting that public feminist declarations are basically legal immunity from wrongdoing, have questioned the logic of Baldoni’s defense. But supporters argue passionately, emphasizing that no man who publicly meditates on male accountability should ever actually be held accountable—especially if he does so while wearing stylishly casual attire.

Allyship, But Make It Performative

“Let’s be clear,” Baldoni continued, “I didn’t just talk the talk—I also walked the walk. Well, not literally walked, more like posted carefully-filtered Instagram stories of myself looking introspective, contemplative, and deeply in touch with female empowerment. I was basically a feminist Gandhi, but with better abs.”

Fans were quick to rally around Baldoni, insisting that his status as an ally is far too valuable to tarnish with inconvenient truths. “Why focus on these petty allegations,” one fan tweeted, “when we could instead appreciate how beautifully Justin has packaged feminism for mainstream consumption? He’s basically Oprah, but for men who don’t read.”

The Ideal Male Excuse: “I Am the Exception”

Baldoni also confidently pointed out that his “Ideal Male” persona has already been confirmed by multiple feminist magazines and websites—”I even got featured as the Ideal Ally! What more do you people want?” he pleaded, clearly confused by society’s unrealistic expectations that feminist allies not harass anyone, ever.

“I’ve already done my part,” Baldoni explained passionately, carefully framing himself in front of a collection of carefully curated feminist literature. “I made feminism relatable to guys who’d rather lift weights than read Bell Hooks. Isn’t that enough?”

A Textbook Non-Apology Apology

Attempting to soothe tensions, Baldoni released a heartfelt non-apology on social media:

“If anyone felt uncomfortable, please remember that was never my intention—my intention was always just to seem supportive and understanding while subtly promoting myself. I promise to engage in even more performative soul-searching and maybe launch a podcast about growth and accountability.”

Conclusion: “Canceling Me Hurts Feminism, Actually”

Closing his defense, Baldoni boldly declared, “Canceling me would set feminism back decades. I mean, who else is going to teach men that feminism is cool if I’m gone?”

With such logic, the world waits breathlessly for his inevitable redemption tour. Because, as everyone knows, if you’re a self-proclaimed feminist, consequences are just for other people.