Pakistan clarifies: Journalist’s family abducted and tortured only to fight disinformation
"Disinformation is very dangerous for democracy and we have to do everything to fight it," authorities said while commenting on abduction of the journalist's family
ISLAMABAD — The Pakistani government has reassured the public that its recent abduction and torture of a journalist’s family was conducted solely in the interest of combating disinformation, dismissing accusations of press suppression as “baseless” and “probably foreign-funded.”
“We take fake news very seriously,” said Information Minister at a press conference that was coincidentally held outside a high-security detention facility. “And when one of our esteemed journalists started reporting on certain inconvenient topics, we had no choice but to ensure their family had the opportunity to reflect on the importance of national security.”
The journalist in question, who shall remain nameless for his own safety (and ours), is known for investigating and critical reporting on government corruption, missing persons, and other matters deemed “anti-state” by authorities. In his latest reporting, he got carried away and formulated a story critical of the family of the top military general in a misleading way. In response, security forces took the proactive step of forcibly relocating his family members to a secure ‘debriefing facility’ where they could be educated on responsible journalism—by methods ranging from light intimidation to patriotic electrocution.
“Let me be clear: this was not a human rights violation,” the minister continued. “This was a humanitarian effort. By temporarily misplacing certain individuals and engaging them in persuasive dialogue, we are ensuring a more informed and obedient media landscape.”
The move has been hailed by pro-establishment figures as a masterstroke in media regulation. “Western nations criticize us for cracking down on journalists, but have they considered that our journalists are the real problem?” said General (Retd.) Zia ul-Thark, a defense analyst known for appearing on every government-backed talk show.
“They act like reporting on abuse of power is more important than national security! Preposterous.”
International rights groups, predictably, have condemned the actions. Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, and the International Federation of Journalists have all issued stern statements demanding the release of the detained family members. In response, the Pakistani government released a strongly-worded memo titled ‘Everything is Fine, Shut Up’, assuring the world that all detainees are “happy, healthy, and undergoing constructive discussions about their journalistic affiliations.”
Meanwhile, domestic media outlets have swiftly adapted to the new reality, with prominent newspapers revising their headlines from “Journalist’s Family Abducted” to the more state-friendly “Government Offers Free Media Training” and “Pakistan Strengthens Dialogue with Press Community.”
As the world continues to react, the Pakistani government remains steadfast in its commitment to truth. “Disinformation is a plague,” said the minister in his closing remarks. “And sometimes, the only way to cure a plague is to… well, let’s just say, have a little chat with the infected.”
When asked if the journalist himself might also require such a ‘chat,’ security officials exchanged knowing glances before promising, “We’ll cross that bridge when we disappear him.”
Disclaimer: This report is subject to real-time fact-checking by state authorities. Any inconsistencies will be corrected through necessary measures.
