Putin ready for peace, without an inch of compromise
That he wants everyone to surrender doesn't matter. What matters is that he's ready for peace like nobody is ready for peace, said bestie Donald Trump
Moscow — In a groundbreaking move toward global tranquility, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced he is “fully ready for peace,” provided that Ukraine, NATO, and the entire Western hemisphere agree to his terms without debate, hesitation, or even eye contact.
“Russia has always stood for peace,” Putin said at a press briefing, flanked by fifteen stone-faced generals and a map of Europe that quietly labeled Poland as "Potential Russia." “We want peace so badly, we’re willing to use force to make it happen.”
According to the Kremlin, Putin’s Peace Proposal™ includes the following non-negotiable demands:
Ukraine must immediately demilitarize, de-Westernize, de-frost any NATO ambitions, and also send a handwritten apology letter.
All sanctions on Russia must be lifted, and reparations paid for the emotional damage caused by mean international headlines.
Russia gets to keep any territory where at least one babushka once said “Soviet Union wasn’t so bad.”
Everyone has to pretend Crimea was always Russian, like that weird cousin who just moved into your house and now claims he owns it.
“We’re the Real Victims Here,” Says Invading Power
Putin lamented that Russia has been “forced” into its aggressive posture by Western provocation, such as Ukraine continuing to exist, NATO refusing to disband, and Europe persistently refusing to speak fluent Russian.
“We were just sitting there, peacefully annexing things,” said Kremlin spokesperson Ivana Denyit, “when suddenly the West started acting like it’s a problem.”
International Response: Nervous Applause and Diplomatic Eye Twitching
World leaders have responded with cautious optimism and significant alcohol. United States President Donald Trump, also known as his bestie, said it’s a historic day that Putin has declared himself ready for peace.
“He’s ready for peace like nobody else is ready for peace,” he insisted. “Nobody has seen anything like it. I’d even say he should get the Nobel Peace Prize for it.”
French President Emmanuel Macron called it “a potential step forward, or possibly just another fever dream.”
China, for its part, offered to mediate peace talks, provided they are held in a Beijing theme park, broadcast on TikTok, and no one brings up the word “sovereignty.”
Putin: “Compromise is for the weak and the West”
Asked whether any actual compromise was on the table, Putin laughed, took a long sip of tea (presumably from a Crimean teacup), and replied, “Of course not. Why would I compromise when I can just wait for winter?”
He went on to clarify that in the Russian diplomatic tradition, “peace” roughly translates to: “You stop fighting, I keep everything, and we call it even.”
Conclusion: World Holds Breath, Ukraine Just Keeps Fighting
While analysts debate whether this peace proposal is genuine, delusional, or just another Thursday in the Kremlin, Ukrainian officials remain unimpressed.
“Sure, we’ll accept Putin’s peace,” said one Ukrainian diplomat, “right after we accept Santa Claus as our Minister of Defense.”
Meanwhile, the Kremlin is reportedly drafting a new treaty titled “Peace in Our Time: The 21st Century Edition,” which, according to leaked reports, is just the old Soviet map with the word “Why not?” scrawled over it in red ink.