Scientists puzzled as still no cure found for Pakistani uncles' homophobia
"He keeps telling me he saw this on WhatsApp," said frustrated researcher Dr. Asif
In a shocking revelation that has rocked the global medical community, scientists have admitted defeat in the decades-long search for a cure to one of humanity’s most stubborn afflictions: the homophobia of Pakistani uncles.
“We’ve mapped the genome, we’ve sequenced the DNA, we’ve even tried turning the TV off Geo News,” said Dr. Amina Rizvi, head of the Institute for Uncle Psychology (IUP), “but nothing works. We’ve tried empathy therapy, logic injections, and even mild doses of RuPaul’s Drag Race. They just keep yelling ‘but on WhatsApp’ every time a rainbow appears.”
Leading experts gathered this week in Geneva to discuss the alarming resistance Pakistani uncles have developed to all known forms of progress. The conference was interrupted multiple times by rogue uncles yelling “son, this is all a foreign agenda” through WhatsApp voice notes, which were promptly forwarded to every family group from Lahore to Mississauga.
WhatsApp Remains the Leading Source of Uncle Research and Misinformation
While the rest of the world struggles to contain disinformation, Pakistani uncles have weaponized WhatsApp with the precision of a nuclear program. Scientists are baffled by the velocity at which a grainy screenshot of a forwarded post titled “BREAKING: Scientists Prove Gays Are Funded By Israel” can reach 400 phones in under 5 minutes.
“WhatsApp is not just a messaging app,” said cultural anthropologist Dr. Kamran Bhatti. “It is their university, news channel, religious seminary, and the only place they’ve ever seen a fact—albeit one made in Photoshop on a Nokia 3310.”
Even more mystifying is the uncles’ collective immunity to counter-information. “You can show them an entire UN report, and they’ll still say, ‘listen son, hear me out—this is all Bill Gates’ doing all along,’” Dr. Bhatti added, with visible despair.
Hopes for a Breakthrough Fade
Researchers had pinned their hopes on the younger generation translating empathy and acceptance into digestible, uncle-friendly memes, but the results were devastating. In a controlled study, one uncle was shown a short video explaining queer rights in Urdu with classical music playing in the background. He stared at it for 8 seconds before yelling, “this is all an American-funded propaganda!” and immediately forwarded a “real” video titled “5 Signs Your Neighbor Is Secretly a Liberal. Fascist”
Some have suggested radical interventions, like confiscating their smartphones or sending them on empathy-building retreats to Berlin or Netflix. But these approaches have been labeled “too dangerous,” as prolonged exposure to open-mindedness has been known to cause complete cognitive collapse in the average WhatsApp Uncle.
The Road Ahead
“We may never find a cure,” said Dr. Rizvi, closing her notes as another uncle sent her a chain message warning of homosexuality being spread via COVID vaccines. “But perhaps, one day, with patience, therapy, and very bad WiFi signals, we can hope to contain the spread.”
Until then, public health officials urge all citizens to avoid unnecessary political conversations with uncles, especially during family dinners, Eid, weddings, and any day that ends in "y".