Self-Deport App: man self-deports mother-in-law who is a citizen
In a bold, innovative move that completely redefines immigration enforcement (and basic human dignity), the U.S. Customs and Borders Protection (CBP) inclose cooperation with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and personal commission of President Donald Trump has proudly unveiled its latest technological marvel: the Self-Deport App called CBP Home. Designed with the spirit of “voluntary compliance,” the app allows undocumented immigrants—and apparently, anyone else deemed inconvenient—to schedule their own deportations at their earliest convenience.
Tech for a More Efficient Oppression
Touting it as the “Uber of Forced Departures,” ICE claims the Self-Deport App is a humane alternative to its traditional immigration enforcement methods. “This way, migrants can avoid the indignity of raids, detentions, and public humiliation by simply pressing a button and escorting themselves out of the country,” an ICE spokesperson explained with a reassuring smile. “It’s about giving people a choice—between self-deportation or waiting for a much less pleasant alternative.”
Critics, of course, have raised concerns about the app’s Orwellian branding. After all, most developed nations and the United Nations refer to such processes as “voluntary return” and provide assistance with reintegration—rather than reducing the experience to what sounds like a food delivery service for human relocation.
Accidental Deportations: A Feature, Not a Bug
However, not everyone is upset. Some patriotic citizens are already taking full advantage of the app, none more enthusiastically than local man John Doe, who, in what he calls a “blessing” successfully self-deported his mother-in-law, despite her being a natural-born U.S. citizen.
“I was just testing the app, you know? And I thought, wouldn’t it be hilarious if I put my mother-in-law’s details in? Next thing I know, she’s getting alerts from ICE and a one-way ticket to Guatemala—where she’s never even been!” Doe explained between fits of laughter. “The system works!”
When ICE was asked whether they’d return the wrongly deported woman, an official shrugged. “She scheduled the deportation herself—whether she knew it or not. We can’t be held responsible for user error. That would require us to care.”
“It’s not our fault people want to get rid of immigrants,” he insisted. “And if the misuse means people self-deporting hundreds of thousands for personal vendetta, is that really a bad thing?”
A ‘Dignified’ Departure (Because ICE Says So)
ICE officials insist that this is a step forward in “respecting migrant dignity.” “People think deportation is cruel,” one agent stated while adjusting his body armor. “But by self-deporting, migrants get to say goodbye to America on their own terms. We’re actually doing them a favor by letting them choose when they get kicked out.”
The app also provides a ‘Custom Farewell’ option, where migrants can select from a range of pre-written exit messages, including:
“It’s not you, America, it’s me.”
“I overstayed my welcome, but I left before you had to call security.”
“I’ll be back (hopefully).”
ICE’s Next Innovation: ‘Auto-Deport’
While the Self-Deport App is already gaining traction, ICE is reportedly working on its next big idea: Auto-Deport, an advanced AI-driven system that preemptively schedules deportations before migrants even realize they’re in violation of immigration law.
“We’re moving toward a world where deportations are seamless,” an ICE developer said. “Imagine getting a push notification telling you it’s time to leave, complete with a pre-booked flight. No fuss, no mess. Just good old-fashioned bureaucratic efficiency!”
Conclusion: America, Land of Innovation (and Inevitable Deportation)
Despite widespread backlash, the Self-Deport App remains in full force. While ICE maintains that it provides “a humane alternative”, migrants are left wondering how exactly a self-scheduled exile is supposed to preserve their dignity.
Meanwhile, John Doe is still enjoying his newfound power. “I might try sending my boss on a ‘vacation’ next. This app really is something!”