Trump slaps tariff on foreskin
"This is really about what he has against Europe," insiders admit
In what analysts are calling "the most confusing trade war yet," United States (US) President Donald J. Trump has imposed a 25% tariff on imported foreskin, claiming the move will "protect American dignity" and "stop Europe from taking advantage of us — in more ways than one."
“This is very serious,” Trump declared from the ballroom of Mar-a-Lago, flanked by supporters wearing suspiciously ill-fitting pants. “Europe has been shipping us hunks with foreskin for decades, folks. We American men have no chance. Nobody talks about it, but I will. I always talk about the things others are too scared to say. I will stop the foreign foreskin flood, believe me.”
What’s Really Behind It?
According to multiple sources close to Trump, the move is less about international trade and more about Trump's lingering resentment toward Europe itself.
“Look, this isn't about anatomy,” whispered one senior aide, nervously chewing on a baguette. “Trump hates Europe. Always has. Too cultured. Too confident. Too... intact. He thinks their foreskin is some kind of secret weapon.”
The advisor paused, before adding, “Honestly, we stopped trying to argue after the incident with the German ambassador’s bratwurst-themed necktie. Just smile, nod, and write up the tariffs.”
European Reaction: Mild Confusion to Total Hysteria
The European Union called an emergency session to respond to what one diplomat described as "utter lunacy."
“This is not a trade dispute,” said French President Emmanuel Macron, trying and failing to keep a straight face. “It is some kind of... how you say... personal issue? We advise the former president to consult a therapist, not a trade negotiator.”
Germany immediately imposed a retaliatory tariff on Trump-brand cologne, bronzing lotions, and all plastic golf trophies. The Netherlands has reportedly added Trump Tower Amsterdam to its list of officially recognized “public nuisance” structures.
Meanwhile, Denmark simply issued a brief statement: “This is why we didn’t sell you Greenland.”
Expert Panel Weighs In
To help the American public understand this historic development, CNN hastily assembled a panel of experts:
Dr. Chad Scissorman, leading economist: “There is no market for imported foreskin. There never was. This is, economically speaking, absolutely nothing.”
Dr. Maxine Cutler, urologist: “Foreskin is not even internationally traded. It’s not like crude oil or soybeans. I’m not sure the former president understands where foreskin comes from.”
Prof. Hugo von Uncutten, historian of European culture: “In Europe, we are more focused on preserving our architectural foreskin — we call it 'old cities.' Perhaps Mr. Trump is confusing medieval city walls with... well, you get it.”
Frequently Asked Questions About the Foreskin Tariff
Q: Is Europe really exporting foreskin to the US?
A: No. Absolutely not. There is no record of such trade. None. Zero.
Q: How would customs enforce this?
A: Customs and Border Protection released a statement saying, "We're honestly not sure, but we’re updating the handbook."
Q: Could this impact the average American?
A: Only emotionally.
Q: Will this hurt US-EU relations?
A: Relations are already strained due to previous tariffs on wine, cheese, and the Eurovision Song Contest (which Trump called “rigged”).
Smuggling Fears Grow
As the news broke, Canada quietly braced for a rise in cross-border foreskin smuggling. "It's inevitable," said Royal Canadian Mounted Police spokesman Jean-Claude Boutin. "When America bans something, people just drive north and find it here — like universal healthcare, sanity, and soon, possibly, foreskins."
Border patrol agents are reportedly reviewing medieval anatomy textbooks and YouTube videos titled "Circumcision Explained for Beginners" in preparation.
Trump Doubles Down
When asked if he was worried about international backlash, Trump responded, "Europe knows I’m right. They’re jealous of us. Jealous of our economy, jealous of our freedom, jealous of our perfectly trimmed... you know what I'm talking about."
Pressed further by reporters, Trump ended the briefing with, “And by the way, I’m considering tariffs on European socks next. Too long. Too smug.”